I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
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When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
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meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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