I cannot find my penis.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
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I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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