I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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