I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
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could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
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Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize