I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
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You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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