it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
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I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
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He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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