my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
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Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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