I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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