How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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