yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
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Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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