you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
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I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
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Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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