Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize