To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize