I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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