Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize