Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
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walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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