No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
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I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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