Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
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the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
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It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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