Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize