Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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