I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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