she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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