Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
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If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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