I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
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when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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