Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
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Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
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Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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