Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
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Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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