you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
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If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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