At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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