im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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