I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
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We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize