you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
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Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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