So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
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I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
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He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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