I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
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she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
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I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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