Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
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i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
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Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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