My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
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Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
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If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize