i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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