Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
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I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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