I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
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Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
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He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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