I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
