it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
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The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
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I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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