someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
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he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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