woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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