I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
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the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
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Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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