THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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