I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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