sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
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what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
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He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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