he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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