just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
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You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
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We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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