strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
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At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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