I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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